Chapter 7 - The Cinderella Moment

“We have two lives, and the second begins when we realize we only have one.”39

One of my favorite movies growing up was the ’90s classic Pretty Woman. By favorite, I mean it was one of the four or f i ve movies we eventually bought used on VHS when I was a kid. We picked it up at a yard sale, along with a used VCR, as soon as we could scrape together enough pennies for something so frivolous. That was in late 1995, when I was fi fteen. Since then, suffi  ce it to say, I’ve seen this movie enough times to quote it pretty well.

If you’ve never seen the movie, I recommend it. It’s one of Julia Roberts’s early fi lms, and there are some powerful lessons to extract from her character, Vivian. She begins the movie as a streetwalking prostitute. However, over the course of a week, she transforms into an independent and empowered woman. What can I say? Personal development happens quickly on the big screen.

Richard Gere’s character, Edward, is the wealthy antagonist who happens upon Vivian on Hollywood Boulevard in his friend’s borrowed car. In asking her for directions, he inadvertently brings  her into his life, as the misunderstandings of their forthcoming relationship ensue. As he comes to know Vivian better, he recognizes how smart, capable, and talented she is. Over the week they spend together, he begins to look for ways to advocate for her. In the second half of the movie, Edward makes Vivian a “generous offer.” He has a condo ready for her and is prepared to support her financially. He wants to help her change her life and to date her, but on his terms. He approaches her with this offer under the presumption that she will be grateful and accept it. After all, she is a prostitute. What better options does she have, right?

Vivian goes out to chat with her friend about the offer and her feelings toward Edward. She confesses she’s in love with him to her friend, roommate, and fellow streetwalker, Kit, but doubts the success of their budding relationship. Kit assures her that, sometimes, even the oddest relationships work out.

Vivian is unconvinced saying, “Yeah, who does it work out for…?” After a moment of feeling “the pressure of a name,” Kit blurts out, “Cinde-fuckin-rella.” They both have a good laugh at the irony. The only person they can think of for whom things worked out is a fictional character in a fairytale.

Feeling empowered after the talk with her friend, Vivian gives Edward an answer to his proposal: “You made me a really nice offer. And a few months ago, no problem, but now, everything is different, and you changed that, and you can’t change it back. I want more.”40

Now, while you and I won’t get the luxury of solving the challenges of our lives in a tidy ninety-minute sequence like they do in movies, we can do something powerful, which takes only a few seconds. We can make a life-changing decision in a single instant. One that allows us to do something different and expect more from ourselves. A decision to stop revictimizing ourselves. One that says it’s within our right to heal and recover from the past trauma of our lives. This decision begins our personal evolution and represents the initial step toward renewal.

Vivian broke through and gained clarity about what she wanted out of her life with a small dose of perspective-shifting experiences and improving the story she told herself. She took a little risk but gained the world in the process. She went from being a victim to being someone who holds themselves accountable, sets higher personal standards, and is unwilling to compromise her integrity for short-term gains. Her single decision demonstrated her willingness to invest in herself and hold out and work toward what she really wanted, not settling for what was right in front of her. This is the moment Vivian decided to become an underdog.

A similar moment of clarity arrives for all underdogs when they reach their breaking point of frustration and discontentment with how their lives are turning out. I refer to it as the “Cinderella Moment.”

Cinderella Moment: The moment you recognize that you’re not willing to accept your current circumstances or results any longer and decide to make a change to move toward progress and personal improvement. It’s the single decision that says, “I’m worthy of more” than what I’m currently achieving and am ready to move beyond any lingering eff ects of historical disadvantage and leave any residual victimhood behind so I can fi nally begin to thrive.

I’m not going to bullshit you. The longer-term progress you desire takes a little time, intentionality, and commitment to make lasting change. However, the decision to make that change only takes an instant, and you determine when that happens for you.

It’s easy to crave this moment when you tire of your current circumstances. When you’re fed up hearing a negative, disempowering story about who you are and what you’ve been through running laps in your mind. When you’re sick of making up stories to tell others about your life. When you’re fed up with feeling less than those around you or feel frustrated seeing others get what they want while you sit on the sidelines. You know you’re made for more and that you’re not living up to your potential.

The Cinderella Moment is a turning point of both clarity and determination in one’s personal journey. It’s the first time you decide to make a change, and it can be a liberating experience. This is the moment when you realize you’re in control and that you have the power to finally pursue what you want for your life. The only question that remains is this: Have you had your Cinderella Moment yet?

Table Stakes

Once you’ve had your Cinderella Moment and decide to renew your life, the next step is to evaluate where to begin. There are many areas to consider. Although, in my personal experience interacting with people over the years, there are a few reliable growth opportunities that stand out or spring up for newly invigorated underdogs:

1. Mental health—talking with a professional to help you process your experiences

2. Education—starting or finishing the appropriate educational path for your goals

3. Habits—the modification of existing or development of new and useful habits

These are the core areas where underdogs consistently struggle. These three areas also happen to be the foundation upon which all new attitudes, behaviors, and performances are built. Moreover, these areas are essential elements of getting your story, relationships, and performance situated so you can show up like a credible contender.

Sometimes we start working on one or more of these areas of our life but get derailed. Life happens. Other times, we never start developing them in the first place. Either way, it’s time to reorient and begin to establish or finish the work we started. The practical utility they provide for us can only be realized once we’ve begun to implement them into our life.

Now let’s peek behind the curtain to get a glimpse of what makes each area particularly relevant for underdogs.

Mental Health

For anyone who has been through trauma or disadvantage, getting some counseling or therapy to help the healing and recovery process is the most basic form of self-care there is. Arguably, it’s the most important too. There are a couple of challenges we should address head on as they relate to this suggestion.

First, for many underdogs, seeking therapy or counseling can seem daunting emotionally, but especially financially. Unfortunately, there are no great shortcuts when it comes to the value counseling provides, but here are a few suggestions that might help you with the financial ask:

1. Online or distance therapy: Look around for resources available to you online at no or reduced cost. Today, there are online therapy sessions available at a fraction of the cost when compared to traditional in-person counseling. You can find these in almost any language and in every corner of the globe.

2. Employer sponsored: Many employers today offer free or low cost and anonymous therapy through employee assistance programs (EAP) or other health insurance programs. Ask your HR department for a copy of your firm’s EAP resources.

3. Cold call: Try reaching out to a local therapist or two and explain your situation until you find someone that is willing to work with your budget.

4. Last resort: Start small by saving up for a session or two. Get things rolling and see how helpful it is. Once you see the impact, value, and progress firsthand, you might shift your budget around to make this expense a priority.

Regardless of the medium you decide on, I think you’ll quickly find that the financial sacrifice will be well worth the breakthroughs and long-term peace of mind you encounter. Second, while there are still quite a lot of social stigmas associated with mental health, the disadvantaged eventually need to overcome their fear of what someone might think and go to get the help they need. The value signifi cantly outweighs any social risk. And, by the way, you can simply keep the fact that you’re seeing a counselor to yourself—don’t post it on social media.

If you think you can get by without seeking help to overcome your trauma and heal all on your own—that’s unlikely. I would ask you how that strategy has been working out for you so far. Remember that trip I took to Guatemala? Well, that came on the heels of me coming out of a deep depression. I was estranged from my biological family for years, recently divorced, just lost my business and income, living in a new city, and really struggling—so much so that one day I decided to put a 9mm in my mouth. That was a pretty good signal that I could no longer handle things on my own. Hopefully it never comes to anything close to that for you.

On that note, if you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, please stop what you’re doing and engage with the International Association for Suicide Prevention to fi nd a host of support options and resources by visiting www. IASP.info. Additionally, many countries have dedicated suicide prevention and support lifelines. For example, in the US, you can simply dial 988 from your phone to be connected with the suicide and crisis lifeline. There are people who care and want to help you.

In short, I got some help. The help helped. It can help you, too, regardless of what you’re going through today or have been through in the past. I promise you that you can get through whatever hardship you’re dealing with right now and come out stronger on the other side.

As a final note, when you begin therapy, you can start slow. No one is asking you to rip off any traumatic Band-Aids and get right to the tough stuff. The key is to just start talking through your stuff and see where it leads. Therapists have all sorts of helpful methods at their disposal, and I think most responsible practitioners would suggest the same. Share what you’re comfortable sharing to start and see where things go. In time you will begin to feel better and be able to make some connections and open doors that you never imagined possible. Remember, it’s not the pace of change that ultimately matters but the incremental positive progress. Be patient with yourself and remember the healing and recovery processes takes time. It’s my sincere hope that you consider talking to someone if you’re still working through some of your old trauma.

Education

“An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.” —Benjamin Franklin

The educational path of an underdog isn’t always a straight line.

Personally, while many kids were thinking about going off to college, I was at my eleventh school after another large gap between my last high school and my new one. The advanced classes I was taking turned to core classes. Core classes turned to basic classes. That turned into even failing some of those classes. So I did what a lot of teenagers do when they find themselves in this situation: I joined the US Army. First, I did the last year and half of high school in the Reserves, then I went active duty shortly after graduation. I did graduate from high school on time, but only just. Like many underprivileged kids, my educational difficulties were rooted in the environment of my homelife, not my abilities.

When you’re disadvantaged in one or more ways during your early life, education isn’t always a priority. Putting food on the table takes priority over school, so we often quickly get into the working world. Many people work while still in high school or drop out to focus solely on work to support themselves and their family. However, as part of the holistic underdog renewal process, education is an important area that needs to be put back on your radar.

The good news is that it’s never too late to go back to school. I’ve talked to many people over the years who consistently lament the time they wasted not finishing their education—high school, trade school, or college. Many of these people go back later to finish up what they started and realize tremendous satisfaction in their achievement.

Anecdotally, the underdogs I’ve met over the years usually eventually find a way to go back and finish their education. By and large, most of the victims I’ve met never do. Victims tend to display resentment toward education. They view it as something intended only for the privileged. For a long time, I did too. My business partner many years ago had his college degree visibly framed on the wall of his office. I had to walk by it every day, and as I did, I also thought, “What a waste of time, money, and energy to get a silly piece of paper.” The reality was that I was defensive, resentful, and felt bitter about not having finished my own degree. Getting educated is about much more than a piece of paper hanging on your wall. In fact, the sooner you shift your attitude about your personal education, the sooner opportunities will open for you.

Education is not a panacea. It won’t solve all your problems, but it damn sure helps. The stories you read, the papers you write, the niche topics you study, and the research you perform serve to teach you about yourself—who you really are and what you think and believe. School has a way of expanding our minds by providing exposure to previously unknown models, frameworks, ideas, and perspectives. These have a powerful way of influencing us and teaching us how to think and write more clearly. This is one more way for underdogs to take back their power. School provides a proving ground to test your ideas, debate with others, and learn how to defend your thoughts, beliefs, and values both orally and in writing. Honing your clarity of thought and words can be one of the most dynamic forces for good in your life.

Beyond all those useful upsides, here are a few more practical and priceless professional benefits of education:

• Improve your job prospects

• Level up with professional colleagues

• Grow your personal and professional network

Still further than this, finishing school will give you a sense of pride, accomplishment, and satisfaction like few other things in life can. It’s a demonstration of your ability and willingness to commit to and persevere in accomplishing a difficult thing. That is a big confidence booster. It also happens to be the single most impactful thing you can do to level the playing field between you and those pesky privileged achievers, immediately making you a more credible contender, even among your more privileged peers.

Education is an investment that will pay significant dividends for the rest of your life. Whether you’re eighteen or seventy-eight, I’m passionate about the value of education as a foundational element of personal and professional success.

Habits

Habits are important. There are good ones and bad ones. They can work for you or against you. Either way, it’s completely up to you. Habits are the driving force behind supporting superhuman feats like running ultramarathons, swimming the English Channel, or writing that great American novel. They can also help you do less daunting things like get in shape, get promoted at work, just find time for your family, or improve your personal f inances.

We all have habits in our lives. Smaller daily habits can be simple things like brushing our teeth in the morning or making that morning cup of joe. You may have the habit of exercising regularly. Perhaps you take a walk every day at 6:00 p.m., or you make sure you’re home to have dinner with your family every night. They look different for each of us, but we all have them. They are a manifestation of the things we value. Habits are visible and detectable. They subtly demonstrate to us and others what we care about. The first step is to establish a healthy habit. The next part involves making it consistent. As an example, I wrote much of this book between the hours of 5:00 and 7:00 a.m. while holding down a rigorous corporate job. That took creating a new habit and sticking with it. I’ll admit that it wasn’t always easy. I missed some days, but I kept chipping away at it.

Generally, our habits can be categorized into two broad camps. There are the ones we mentioned above, which propel us forward and conspire to make our lives better. There are others that serve to hold us back—things like smoking, drinking alcohol, poor eating habits, or not exercising, to name just a few. I’m not judging here. I enjoy a few cocktails as much as the next person and have been known to overindulge my sweet tooth.

A decade ago, I was eating tuxedo cake so frequently my friend and trainer eventually got involved. He knew all about my little tuxedo cake habit and was more than a little annoyed with its impact on my performance in the gym. The final straw for him was when I showed up to the gym double fisting tuxedo cake in front of one of his classes just to piss him off. As it turned out, he knew the owner of the bakery and had a little chat with them about not enabling my habit anymore. I’m not kidding: they put my picture behind the register for the employees, and the next time I went in they refused to serve me anything but coffee! Sometimes developing excessive habits can get us in trouble. We either find a way to intervene ourselves, or if we’re lucky, we have a buddy willing to push our boundaries a little bit. 

Now, instead of citing some arbitrary and paternalistic laundry list of dos and don’ts, I’m going to make a few observations. There are a couple of specific habit areas that keep former victims from becoming underdogs in the first place:

• Mentality/attitude/approach (see chapters 5 and 6)

• Personal finance/budgeting

• Credit management (at least in the United States)

If you don’t have these fundamentals figured out, it’s tough to perform like an underdog. Mentality we covered already, so I won’t rehash it again in this section. I suggest keeping those chapters bookmarked for future perusal. If you’re interested in learning more about the other two topics, there are bonus sections on both personal finance and credit management available online.

Studying and practicing habits is an ongoing life skill. I don’t pretend to be an expert on the topic—I struggle to adopt, implement, and maintain the right balance of habits around the edges, just as we all do sometimes. But it’s not the small things that throw us off course. It’s the fundamental areas that make the most impact.

There are two books on habits that I believe to be the def initive works on the topic, which will fundamentally shift your perspective. When you finish this book, I recommend you read The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg and Atomic Habits by James Clear, and in that order. You can find a link to both books at www. underdogcurve.com/book. 

The Decision

At the outset of the chapter, we introduced the idea of the Cinderella Moment. It’s the moment you get fed up enough with your current situation and intentionally decide to do something to improve it. After considering some of the essential areas of becoming an underdog, we circle back to the elephant in the room.

There is a decision that lies in front of each of us at some point, and it is a simple one:

With no judgment and all feelings aside, are we willing to keep doing what we’ve been doing and getting what we’re getting out of life?

or

Are we open to making a commitment to work toward sharing a better story, building new, more profound relationships, and trying some new activities designed to set us apart from the person we used to be and everyone else in the process?

In short, are you willing to do what’s required to show up in the world like the best version of an underdog you can be?

The answer can be a difficult one to acknowledge and accept. Difficult because admitting that we might have been acting like a victim or not living up to our full potential can sting a bit. (That’s right, I’ve felt the sting too!) On the upside, the sooner we admit this to ourselves, the sooner we can do something to positively influence the trajectory of our lives.

The simplest way to determine whether your actions are serving you is to perform an honest, objective, side-by-side performance comparison to see how you’re showing up today. We can start by using our new, empowered definition as a comparison model to evaluate where we stand:   

Underdog > Victim Comparison Table

Underdogs

Proactive Engagement—Making things happen for you, which includes seeking out new and novel experiences and freely interacting with others.

Victims

Disengagement—Waiting for things to happen to you, which involves inadvertently accepting only the experiences, people, and opportunities that casually enter your life.

Underdogs

Overcome Disadvantage— Working to move beyond historical disadvantage and refusing to allow those past events to defi ne, control, or dictate new possibilities for you while you learn to heal from your trauma.

Victims

Victimhood—Allowing historical disadvantage to defi ne, control, or dictate who you are, wallowing in further self-victimization of past trauma, or resisting healing.

Underdogs

Leverage Experiences—Able to use the lessons learned from past experiences to help you diff erentiate yourself and make more informed decisions today and avoid making the same mistakes again.

Victims

Ignore Lessons—Unable or unwilling to use your experiences in other contexts or learn from past mistakes and content to relive the same mistakes over and over.

Underdogs

Talent Enhancement—Believe you can develop your natural talents and abilities with a growth mindset and actively seek to convert innate talents into practical skills.

Victims

Talent Atrophy—Refuse to activate innate talents or improve skills due to a fi xed mindset and accepting current limitations as permanent.

Underdogs

Learning Development— Committing to your ongoing educational development and subscribing to the idea that education can help you compete for opportunities with even the most privileged.

Victims

Learning Stagnation—Believing that you already know everything you need to know and that education is just an aggravating, burdensome pursuit available for the privileged but not for you.

Underdogs

Authentic Story—You strive to tell an authentic version of your story to yourself and others, without embellishment and in an empowering way for you and an engaging, inspiring way for others.

Victims

Objectionable Story—Using whatever story version comes to mind in the moment, with exaggerated or victimized language, which only serves to revictimize you and alienate others.

Underdogs

Personal Evolution—Seek out the necessary support and resources to evolve personally and professionally, becoming your best underdog self and optimizing the quality of your story, relationships, and performance.

Victims

Personal Apathy—An unwillingness to consider available resources for personal evolution or refusing to change, improve, or develop, often coupled with an attitude that transformation is for others, but not you.

Underdogs

Credible Contender—Conducting the necessary preparation to contend for the best opportunities with the most resource laden, advantaged, or privileged competitors.

Victims

Incredible Participant—Failing to show up at all or being underprepared, entering low quality competitive landscapes, and competing with mediocre or low-performing rivals for subpar opportunities.

Now that we’ve broken down our definition into its disparate components, did any of these aspects stand out for you? Did you notice that you might be missing one or two areas completely? Are there a few others you may be neglecting or need to improve upon?

That’s totally normal, and you’re in good company.

The thing that separates the successful from unsuccessful is their willingness to do a performance self-evaluation and then take corrective action to do something about it.

The question of whether you’re ready to make the decision to change is the fi rst component of your personal growth and a critical one. Don’t look now, but deciding to make a change for your personal improvement is tantamount to redefi ning your new underdog identity. Congratulations!