CHAPTER 11 - INTENTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS

The Value of a Dollar

For the second time in my career, I worked for a firm’s general counsel. The new guy was a high-powered lawyer with significant business success leading not only large legal teams, but also numerous strategic business areas. I soon found out that in addition to being an excellent lawyer and businessman, he is also an all-around great guy.

The first time I met him, I walked into his office to introduce myself after being advised that he was taking over senior executive leadership responsibilities for financial services along with several other areas. He asked me a few questions, and we chatted for a while. Then he asked me a rather pointed question about performance among our sixteen divisions. His phrasing was direct and suggested he wanted the skinny on how things worked among the operational teams.

I was one of a couple handfuls of people who traveled around the country to spend time with the teams in person. I had a good sense of divisional operations, politics, and business dynamics. There was one small problem: I didn’t know this guy yet.

Could I trust him? Was I putting my career on the line if I was too candid with him?

In an instant, a dozen response scenarios played out in my mind.

I decided to ask him straight out, “Would you like to hear my honest opinion, or do you want the party line?”

He looked at me as a wry smile appeared on his face and replied, “Well, I’d like to get at the truth.”

I paused for a moment, as I considered the impact of being too forthright with him. It crossed my mind to make the obvious joke from A Few Good Men about him not being able to handle the truth. That seemed too trite for a first interaction.

He noticed my hesitation and out of left field said, “Do you have a dollar?”

The question caught me off guard as I was still weighing potential responses.

He smiled, and before I could say anything, he urged, “Do you have one? Go ahead, put a dollar down on the desk.” He patted his desk in a simulation of throwing money down on the table.

What was he up to? It crossed my mind to reach for my wallet. Then, I remembered he’s a lawyer—and his motive became immediately apparent.

In his own dry, comedic way, he was messing with me and making his point with a sophisticated joke. He was playing on the notion of lawyer-client confidentiality. He was subtly making the point that what we talked about would stay between us.

In other words, he was trying to tell me I could trust him.

I made the decision to be professionally vulnerable with him that day. It was one of the best professional decisions I’ve ever made. We developed a fantastic relationship together over several years as we went on to successfully evolve national programs, build custom technologies, and start new business lines in our time working together.

I trust and consider him a friend and one of the strongest professional advocates I’ve ever had, and our relationship didn’t cost me a dollar. It did require me to show a little vulnerability, but we’ll get to that.

An Attractive Illusion

Underdog Equation

(Two Authentic Stories—Victimhood) + Intentional Relationships + Differentiated Performance = Underdog

In American society, we lionize the idea of being “self-made.” It’s meant to be worn as a badge of honor by those who have been disadvantaged and subsequently had a modicum of success. There’s only one little problem—it’s bullshit. It’s a nice illusion, but it rarely represents reality.

Relationships are vital to our survival. We’re brought into this world dependent on someone—our mother, a family member, or caretaker. Someone must feed us and change our messy diapers. As I write this, I have a fifteen-month-old baby at home who’s got his share of diapers to change. We start and end our time on this planet in a similar way—dependent on the mercy and goodwill of others (which may or may not always include diaper changing).

Let me let you in on a little secret: we all need support throughout this little adventure we call life.

As we grow beyond childhood and have our basic needs met, our operating context transforms. This means we now require more nuanced and advanced forms of relationship to overcome obstacles and thrive. In addition to traditional familial backing, we receive support from friends, lovers, colleagues, mentors, and advocates. We must have them to effectively make progress toward our goals.

For underdogs, having been victimized at some point brings unique and additional needs, most of which we’re ill-equipped to handle on our own. That means we are not less dependent but rather more dependent on others until we adapt to become more fully self-sufficient again. That requires support in uncommon and differentiated ways from a more diverse set of supporters.

My ego would love for me to tell you that I am where I am today by my own hand alone. That’s simply not the reality. There are a few handfuls of people who have truly supported and advocated for me along my journey. Sometimes these were teachers in adolescence, partners over the years, or even colleagues. Many times, I didn’t consciously recognize their support in the moment, but it was present nonetheless. In hindsight it’s easier to fully appreciate the devotion and advocacy I’ve received along the way.

For acute or chronic underdogs, often the typical support networks we all should have don’t exist. Many don’t have family in the traditional sense. That means we are forced to find other family-style structures for support.

Then there are added obstacles to the normal relationship development process too. These manifest as various social-skill deficiencies. Establishing basic friendships or romantic relationships can be difficult. The core relationships and support networks others take for granted don’t exist. Frequently, underdogs must teach themselves how to navigate socially, but trauma has a way of stunting our growth in this way. Moreover, we don’t know where to find or how to establish the right kind of relationships.

Difficult or not, eventually we must figure out how to develop them on our own. That generally involves a lot of trial and error, which requires a significant time commitment, during which there’s an ongoing deficiency of quality relationships. There is no time to waste.

In the end, we need to create our own connections, find new friends or family, or develop our own advocacy network. Whether we’re recovering from losing a limb in war, navigating sexual trauma from childhood, political exile, physical abuse, or any other form of involuntary trauma, former victims need support. A lot of it. And support comes only from our relationships.

As we’ve discussed throughout the book, there are many people willing to pull for underdogs. We have to open our eyes to see them. Then, when support is offered, be willing to accept it. That latter part is where most of us get hung up—in accepting the help and support of others. Perhaps you can relate. There are all kinds of people ready to root for, support, and advocate on our behalf. The trick is we have to let them.

Like stubbing your toe so hard you can’t speak, the pain makes us withdraw inward as we try to deal with the intense injury on our own—so much so that we either don’t notice or cuss out the people standing nearby, ready and willing to help even if they don’t quite know what we need yet. Recognizing and accepting help can be difficult when we feel wounded. However, as soon as the initial trauma begins to subside, you should have someone look at that toe.

It’s difficult to place an accurate value on our relationships. They supply love, support, advocacy, and all the things we can’t possibly attain on our own. We know the stakes are high. Our happiness and success depend on the people we allow into our life, good or bad, healthy or toxic. Understanding the value of this precious resource is the surest way to attract and retain the right people in our lives.

Discerning between positive or negative people requires a degree of intentionality. While we look for the right people to bring into our orbit, we should also be evaluating those already around us. We often have people in our lives who drain us mentally, emotionally, or financially. While I hate to say it, yes, sometimes that means our biological family too. More on this later in the chapter.

The ability to foster new and existing relationships is one of the most useful skills for us to develop, and the sooner we clean up the negative relationships we already have, the easier it will be to attract the positive ones we want and need.

Stranger Danger

“Don’t take candy from strangers.”

This is what we tell our children.

It’s good advice for a five-year-old. Kids don’t have the ability to distinguish between safe or dangerous situations; they would let anyone approach them, which is why this little catch-all warning is so effective in helping them avoid interactions with strangers that could put them in danger.

However, not all interactions are dangerous. In fact, dangerous interactions are statistically uncommon. Most engagement with adults will be completely harmless and innocent, but we care about our children. They’re vulnerable, and we want to keep them safe, which is completely understandable. Thus, we manage them according to their childish sophistication. This involves a worst case orientation that’s easy to understand and implement.

As adults, we’re required to interact with numerous people whether we want to or not—in our personal lives, at work, or in various social settings. Unlike children, we have goals, jobs, and responsibilities. Getting things done requires engagement. Adult engagement involves a more mature approach.

Outside of rare instances, most interactions are relatively safe. We constantly use our refined judgment to assess our environment for threats. If push came to shove, we could even physically defend ourselves if we had to. Of course, the safest course of action would be to avoid even potential entanglements and especially seemingly dangerous situations altogether. Unfortunately, as adults, sometimes we must engage in these scarier situations to make progress, develop advocacy, or get what we want.

As kids, making friends was as easy as sharing your cookie with someone—boom! Instant friends. For adults, it’s a little more complicated. As we move from children to adolescence and then into adulthood, somewhere along the way we lose our ability to easily develop relationships. For many of us, getting to know people later in life can be a real challenge.

We intuitively believe that making friends or developing relationships with others has only two central components—shared experiences and trust. The element most of us skim over in our thinking about building relationships is vulnerability, but we’ll get to that in a moment.

Shared experiences are easy to understand. There is no real magic to sharing experiences. They naturally unfold as we simply share time and activities together. The trickiest aspect to unravel is what trust is and when it presents itself.

Recognizing trust and being willing to enter a trusting relationship are two completely different things. For underdogs, trust can be especially difficult to come by. This might be an uncomfortable place for you to enter, especially if your disadvantage stems from a breach of trust or betrayal.

The thing is, as we discussed in the last section, we need relationships with others to make progress. What alternative do we have but to find a way through our fear and build meaningful relationships?

If we took the advice we give our five-year-old children, we wouldn’t make very many friends. We would avoid everyone, live alone, and never leave our homes. There’s a word for that too—recluse. It’s dangerous to be a social outcast, even when it’s of our own choosing. That’s not a very good solution. It sounds boring and impractical, and it’s a good way to end up scared and friendless, with nothing to show for our self-imposed social seclusion. That’s not how we’re meant to live our lives.

In other words, we desperately need people and networks. That requires risk and an ability to trust others, which is easier said than done.

But you’re not alone when it comes to distrusting others. Nope, most of us are guarded. We work hard to keep people at arm’s length; we’re good at it too. Frequently we’re unable to gauge the intention of others or whether they mean to do us harm, physically, emotionally, or psychologically. At times, keeping people at a distance becomes an automatic defensive posture. It’s intended to protect us. It feels natural and acceptable. Unfortunately, it doesn’t create the space for us to foster relationships with one another. Since so many of us are intent on posturing in this way, we need a better strategy, otherwise we risk being unable to break through this de facto stalemate to develop meaningful relationships with potential friends, lovers, and colleagues.

It might be helpful to think of trust as a relationship container. It’s the shell that holds the thoughts, experiences, secrets, hopes, and dreams you’ve collectively shared with someone. The container is secure and strong. In fact, the strength of the container is improved through a combination of time and continued trust. If you have no breaches, the container remains whole and grows increasingly more durable with time.

While a container that houses our secrets is useful, sharing our deepest thoughts, emotions, and feelings requires a very personal commitment. We need to be willing to be vulnerable with someone first.

Vulnerability should be a simple concept to understand but often gets mistakenly confused with weakness or being defenseless. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Simple, Not Easy

If you wait for someone else to be vulnerable with you before you’re willing to open to them, you could be waiting for a long, long time.

It frustrates me to no end how the idea of vulnerability is viewed by society. Most view it as a sign of weakness. They view it in terms of being completely exposed, with no defenses, and as being open to attack. It has a very confrontational or even militaristic association. The belief is that if you allow yourself to be vulnerable, others will take advantage of you. However, in all but a very few instances this is not true. This is a knee-jerk judgment to something not fully understood.

I suppose if you went around naively exposing your soul to everyone you meet, in any context, that might pose some existential risk to you. If you walked around flashing one-hundred-dollar bills in your wallet in the subway, you might be more likely to get mugged too.

When used appropriately, sparingly, and in the right context, vulnerability is the most powerful way to show courage, self-awareness, and, counterintuitively, even strength. We’re meant to be vulnerable with intention, on purpose, and with the right motives.

The best reason to be vulnerable is to get into a relationship with someone. Opening up is a way to show your imperfections, the work you’re doing on yourself, and the areas you’d like to work on with their help. By the way, even the most advantaged walking among us have weaknesses, faults, struggles, and unrealized dreams, just like us. They put their pants on one leg at a time too.

Being vulnerable seems hard, but it exposes us in the best possible ways. Because of what we’ve learned about it over our lives, it can feel like a character flaw or as though there is something wrong with us if we’re willing to be vulnerable with others. That is complete bullshit!

Displaying vulnerability enhances the quality of our character and facilitates relationships.

And being vulnerable with another person is simple. It only requires us to share something about who we really are, something real that we wouldn’t share in a more public forum, but only with the one person in front of us. But simple doesn’t mean easy, does it?

It can be complicated to demonstrate vulnerability. When you’ve experienced a real disadvantage, it can feel like the best strategy is to keep everything close to the vest or bottled up. It feels safer to keep things to ourselves, to avoid sharing with others. That is one strategy. While that might make intuitive sense and feel good in the moment, it’s not an optimal approach, especially when you’re overcoming trauma.

Like most precious things in life, the inherent value of vulnerability comes from its rarity. In fact, since so many others avoid being vulnerable, this sentiment can quickly become your secret weapon. Learning how to exercise this muscle, even when it makes us sore or fatigued, can become one of our strongest emotional associations with others. We improve our fitness by exercising in ways that feel new, challenging, and push us out of our comfort zone. Therefore, it is to our benefit to fi nd our inner vulnerability and take it out for a walk. OK, but to what end?

Well, here’s the secret hidden in plain sight:

Vulnerability is the catalyst that allows us to quickly establish and foster meaningful relationships.

It has power and fosters trust. When we convey something vulnerable to someone, they usually reciprocate in kind. That is, they share something back equally revealing, something that is real for them, that they wouldn’t have otherwise offered up to us. Now we’re making progress together.

When I’m meeting and sharing with new folks, I often couch it in a warning that I’m about to share something sensitive with them. It lets them know I’m both aware of what I’m sharing and understand how it could be perceived, yet I’m deciding to take the risk to share with them anyway. Sharing something meaningful and appropriate usually gets someone’s full attention.

If trust is the container of relationships, our vulnerable moments, shared stories, and secrets are the contents of the container. Unfortunately, often we never get a chance to establish this container or fill it up with these moments because no one makes the first move. Underdogs need support and advocacy now, not when this inconvenient game of chicken runs its course.

Trust First and Often

“It’s not about what someone can do for you, it’s who and what the two of you become in each other’s presence.” ⁶¹

Trust is a weird sort of paradox. We all want and even expect it. We look for signs of trustworthy behaviors before we’re willing to engage or be vulnerable. We ask ourselves, “Can I trust this person?"

We feel compelled to be able to answer this question before we consider trusting someone. The thing is, they’re thinking the same thing about you. That leaves us locked in an emotional stalemate. Neither party is willing to trust the other person. No one is willing to go first.

That puts underdogs in a difficult spot because we’re dependent on the value of our relationships. Relationships are our leverage to overcoming disadvantage. Yet, when it comes to the opportunities to develop a new one, we enter the space with caution and timidity.

Instead, we should be approaching relationship development purposefully. We would be better served by operating with a sense of urgency and remembering what’s at stake—advocacy. Your counterpart doesn’t have to have the same urgency because the stakes aren’t as high or immediate as they are for you. Therefore, it’s our responsibility to make the first move. We need to go after what we want proactively, with intention and vigor.

In the last section, we covered the importance and impact of vulnerability. It’s an ability to open up and free us from the defensive burdens we carry. Proactively sharing accelerates the relationship dynamic. Proactive vulnerability puts you in an offensive, first-mover position, and not by accident but intentionally, with a keen sense of awareness and maturity.

Relationships can be expressed as a simple equation:

Relationships = sharing experiences + displaying vulnerability + creating trust

It’s no surprise that there are verbs in front of experiences, trust, and vulnerability. None of these happen by accident. They require action to get them started. The two most critical are the combination of vulnerability and trust. These two frame all alliances. Creating and displaying them first helps to speed up the connection process.

The thing you share with another puts your personal vulnerability on display. As a result, the other person sees and recognizes that you’ve shared something valuable with them. Personal experience suggests that most people reciprocate with something personal as well. Even when it’s a small nugget, the relationship is moving in the right direction and progressing faster than it would have without your initial share. Instead of months or years to develop a relationship, proactive engagement can trim the process down to weeks, days, or even hours. Time matters when you are looking for support.

But I get it. Trust can present an emotional conundrum for us. Instead, let’s approach it from a visual place. By way of example, in 1950, Merrill Flood and Melvin Dresher came up with a novel and useful concept that can help illustrate our trust stalemate and the value of proactive sharing in visual terms. Albert Tucker made this framework popular, which is often referred to as the “prisoner’s dilemma.” There’s a sense that this might be derivative of John Nash’s game theory work. We’ll let the academics battle that one out.62

The idea centers around the behavior of two parties and their willingness to cooperate. Or not. Each participant can decide whether to act only in their own interest or in a way that could benefit the interest of both participants. The potential outcomes are different depending on their willingness to cooperate. Each potential outcome could improve their personal circumstances while punishing the other person, and vice versa. Alternatively, they could choose to operate in a way that presents more mutually beneficial outcomes.

It’s a twisted sort of game that happens to align with and illustrate how vulnerability and trust play out in underdog/advocate interactions, seen here in figure 11.1:

You probably notice a few interesting things within the framework. First, there are a few potential outcomes for your new relationship. Each outcome depends on a combination of each person’s respective approach. There are four typical ways for these interactions to play out.

Let’s start by considering the lower right quadrant of the box. In the example, neither you nor your advocate is willing to be vulnerable. As a result, you end up in a failed relationship stalemate. No one wins.

In the lower left corner, the advocate is vulnerable with you first, but you don’t reciprocate. Experience suggests this is a rarity. I can think of very few scenarios when others want to share something vulnerable with me first. While possible, it’s a highly unlikely outcome that would leave you in a failed relationship of your own doing. This is entirely avoidable, because all you would have to do is reciprocate in even the smallest of vulnerable ways.

As we consider the idea of intentionally fostering relationship development, the proverbial ball is in your court. It’s your opportunity and responsibility to make the first move. The top two quadrants both come from a place where you display vulnerability with someone first.

Here’s the thing, regardless of how the other person responds, you’ve done your part, and you’ve done everything in your power to establish the beginnings of a relationship. In the worst case, if the advocate does not respond, you’ve at least laid the foundation for the relationship.

However, as we’ve alluded to, normally when you commit to sharing first, people will give you something in return. Reciprocity 220 The Underdog Curve is a psychological part of the human condition.63 If they give you something back—boom! You have now entered a relationship. Trust is established, even if ever so slightly. Now you can incrementally build through continued sharing and reciprocity. With each share and reciprocal share, the level of trust grows.

I’m willing to bet that there’s a nagging question in the back of your mind as you read this: What happens if I’m vulnerable with someone, and they burn me by violating my trust in some way?

It’s a fair question. Let’s consider how we got here and some potential outcomes for this unlikely occurrence.

1. You start by sharing something small. If they don’t reciprocate, you can stop right there. No need to keep sharing. It should be a back and forth, give and take.

2. Typically, the stakes we imagine when we decide to be vulnerable are more intense than they really are. It feels scary, so we lose our ability to be objective about what we’re sharing. Which leads us to…

3. People are generally rather self-absorbed. If they don’t respond, they’re likely going to forget the small nugget you shared as soon as you’re done talking with them.

And here’s the beauty of this approach. Start small and let it build. If someone violates your trust, it will be proportional to what you shared. It isn’t likely to have the types of negative implications you conjure in your imagination. You also have the added benefit of knowing that you can’t trust this person, and you can move on. It’s not ideal, but it is rare and less consequential than you believe in the moment.

Ultimately, the upsides of being vulnerable are far more valuable than any risk of nonreciprocal vulnerability or potential betrayal from others. Give it a try. I’m confident you will have the same sorts of experiences.

Putting the Pieces Together

Throughout this chapter we’ve outlined the value of trust and how to develop it through proactive vulnerability. Beyond trust and vulnerability, entering a fulfilling relationship that moves along the continuum of underdog support and ends up at the advocacy stage requires three fundamental things to happen:

1. Have your public story figured out (see chapter 10).

2. Align the mutual narrative between you and your future advocate.

3. Take the lead facilitating the relationship.

Whether it’s potential friends, lovers, or colleagues, it’s hard for others to root for you if they don’t know where you’re coming from—even more so if your story alienates them instead of attracting them. We outlined in chapter 9 that advocate demand stems from a few familiar areas, like balancing the scales of justice, longshot bias, or because they can personally identify with you. In short—there are plenty of good reasons for people to want to be in your corner. All you must do is share your compelling story with them. Like every relationship, the two of you need to have a mutual understanding of what you both expect to gain from being in relationship together, and you can’t always know or even predict what someone sees in you or your story.

So, what does doing everything possible to facilitate a relationship look like?

Well, there are a combination of factors involved. It’s taken me over twenty years to figure this out on an unconscious level. Over the last several years, I’ve continued to research underdogs and consider my own experiences. It has been a chaotic and confusing mess at times as I tried to distill the answer to this question down to its core components.

In the end, I’ve identified three areas that account for my ability to develop the kind of relationships I’ve needed in order to overcome my adversity and make progress. I attribute much of my success in this area to the atypical willingness I’ve had throughout my life to share my story and be vulnerable with others—first. This willingness has, without a doubt, helped me build trust and lay the foundation for the important people who have entered my life.

Beyond trust, these three differentiated personal behaviors have contributed to the success I’ve had over the years in getting others to genuinely root for me. I’m wholeheartedly convinced that practicing and implementing these traits can work for you too.

1. Mindful transparency: Direct and honest interactions that share your inner thoughts, feelings, or opinions. A desire to share a part of the real you for the sake of letting people get to know you more deeply.

2. Conspicuous character: Visible individuality helps people understand your perspective. Vulnerability, demonstrating passion, and sharing the things you care about highlight your values and help others feel comfortable in your presence.

3. Embrace support: An uncommon willingness to place pride or ego aside and accept support when it is offered. Then show thoughtful engagement and gratitude when the offered support is implemented.

Mindful transparency shows up as refreshing candor that cuts through the superficiality people are used to navigating and gets to the heart of the matter. Whether wooing a new romantic partner, a new friend, or a potential boss, your willingness to be exposed and share is greatly appreciated. Be aware, mind the feelings of others, but tell it like it is. This is a rare quality that many others really respond to well. It won’t be a good fi t for everyone you encounter, but then again, there is no panacea that can please the masses. We’ll dive into this in more detail in chapter 12.

Conspicuous character offers a glimpse into who you are in the ways that really matter. If someone has to wonder about your values or motives, you’re missing an opportunity to grow your relationships. Sharing helps, which includes some inner details that you hold dear. This is the stuff that reputations are built on and the reason people are drawn to you, even if they can’t quite put their finger on it.

Finally, embracing support comes down to letting someone else support you in your efforts. It’s one thing to say and quite another to do, in my experience. For the victims of historical trauma, trusting or being overly wary of ulterior motives can be hard to overcome. Fight the urge to push back, and simply graciously accept the help and support when it’s offered to you. Welcome it. Then thank them. When you do, you both win; they feel good, and you get what you need. That’s one of those rare win-win scenarios.

There are a lot of fake people in the world. Everyone has an agenda. Relationships aren’t just important for underdogs. When everything is said and done, they’re the only things that matter. If you can stand out by visibly showing others you’re interested in developing real relationships with them, you might just get everything you want out of life.

Optimize Your Story, Relationships, and Performance to Harness Adversity

• No matter what we say, no underdog can make it on their own—we all require the support of others to make it through this life.

• Be willing to be vulnerable first and avoid the pitfalls of the Trust Dilemma.

• Trusting can be difficult for underdogs, but it’s a necessary component of successful relationship development.

• Mindful transparency, visible character, and embracing the support of others are the cornerstones of letting others know who you are and what you care about.

• Go to UnderdogCurve.com/book to get free access to book images, bonus resources, courses, and practical materials to continue your personal underdog evolution.

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